Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
