I faked an abortion last night.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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