Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
