I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
