Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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