So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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