I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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