apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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