I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
