have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
