I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
