You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
