I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
