When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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