when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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