if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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