break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
