you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
