I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
