Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
