someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
