So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
