Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
