he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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