Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
