It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
