Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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