I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
