i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
