Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
