not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
NoShamevember. You game?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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