mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
