when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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