dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
