Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
