how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Randomize
