On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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