you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
