I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
