people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
