You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
