Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
