True but thats because hes a fetus.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
