it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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