i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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