if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
