so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
