i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
