Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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