I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
