You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
